Let the smell of flowers guide you through the darkness - Trigger Warning
Growing up I experienced a lot of pain and grief. My biological father wasn’t in my life. At the age of 6 I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I tried to force the memory down. I pretended I had a bad dream even though deep down I knew it wasn’t. I tried to forget until a documentary exposed the multiple assaults that happened within my family. No one spoke about it so the sexual assault continued until my cousin was brave enough to expose the demons hidden within my family. I was depressed all throughout highschool. I felt that there was something wrong with me and I didn’t believe in myself so I joined the army my jr year of highschool. A week after graduation I was sent to boot camp. During basic my ex-boyfriend/friend was shot and killed. I had a message on my phone from him that I hadn’t been able to respond to. A week left to graduate and my grandfather passed away. I didn’t go to his funeral because I would have had to do 3 months of boot camp all over again and it was hell for me. Fast forward to 2018 I’m engaged to a serial cheater and alcoholic. He had been physical with me, screamed at me, broke things, and kicked down doors that I had locked myself behind. I was suicidal. I felt a burden to everyone in my life. I felt that there was something wrong with me. Brokenness was normal. You would think the abuse would be enough to get me to leave or the fact that he cheated on me with a woman I had let into my home who claimed her and her 3 year old child was being abused by her boyfriend, but it wasn’t. I laugh about this now but it wasn’t until I had came home, with a subway sandwich, after a long day of work with no time to eat and as soon as I walked in the door he threw my sandwich across the room. I watched the contents splattered the wall and in that moment I decided no more. I got a restraining order, I started martial arts, and I went to therapy. I would have frequent panic attacks. My heart would race anytime I saw a silver Chevy thinking it was him. For a year I cried any time I went with a male I wasn’t familiar with. When I found martial arts something beautiful happened. The brokenness started to heal and I slowly put my pieces back together. I gained my confidence back. I wasn’t scared of the dark anymore. I was ready to fight any one and anything that tried to hurt me or my family. At age 22 I was raped.
One day I decided I wanted better for myself even if it meant a lot of work to get there. After years of therapy I have finally reached a point where I can share my story. I have accepted the pain of my past and look towards the future. I hope that those reading this can find inspiration to keep going even when you think you can’t do it any more. Martial arts saved my life. The woman you know today is a completely different person than the person you would have met 6 years ago. I never thought I could achieve as much happiness as I have now. It took A LOT of work and I will always have room to grow. Believe it or not despite all the pain and suffering, I wouldn’t change anything about my life. It made me who I am today. I had the choice of letting this pain calleous my soul or be brave and keep my kindness. I will always choose bravery and never again will I allow fear to control me. Life is shaped by the choices that we make. What life will you choose?
- C/C Member